Friday, August 31, 2007

Gotta Love Trailer Trash

This is Weston Schnobrich. Like most 5-year olds, he likes playing with cars, only Weston's mommy let him drive her Mitsubishi Galant. Did I mention he's 5 years old?

Apparently Holy Schnobrich (24, of Lafayette, Indiana)has a taste for Percocet. According to WRTV she washed down Percocet with vodka ('natch) not because she was hurt, but because the kids were acting up. She then buckled up while Weston tried to see over the wheel and get his li'l tootsies to reach the pedals, which is exactly how a neighbor found them.

She had been charged,and her kids are being watched by the Dept. of Child Services.

In case you can't see, Weston's t-shirt reads "I do all my own stunts."

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Yay! Another Reason to Hate Yoko Ono!

Sweet googly moogly, what the blessed fuck is going on with Yoko Ono?  It's not bad enough that this bitch of questionable talent is riding her dead husband's name (cough - Courtney Love- cough), and it's not bad enough that she's tea bagging of the memory of the Beatles with Cirque du Soleil Vegas glitter, but this bitch has to rape the environment as well.

Oh whoopee.  

I usually go to TreeHugger to see how I can help the environment, things to avoid, and products to support for their good karma.  They posted this wonderful reason (source: ContactMusic) to bitch slap Yoko so hard, she'll think she got fisted by Godzilla.  I guess giving peace and love a chance is cool with this dried up goat as long as she gets to rape the environment in her Bentley Armitage.  

Someone please dip this bitch in caustic lye, dump her in a compost pile, and take a shit on her.  Believe you me, I'm all for good karma, but for the way she's shitting on John Lennon AND her inability to understand that we must do what we can to save the planet, I hope Yoko Ono's last memory is trying to scrape the dough for meth.

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Burn in Hell, Michael Vick

Sweet merciful crap, with each day, I'm learning more about what a simple moronic bitch Michael Vick is. I'm stunned by the completely disingenuous bullshit statement he gave after pleading guilty on Monday, August 27th, 2007. So he found Jesus. Whoopee. This is an insult to anybody who has faith like my girlfriend's mom. She genuinely has the faith. I don't agree with a lot of shit that goes on with the Roman Catholic Church, but hey, if it works for her, more power to her. I respect the strength of her convictions as I would respect those of anybody else as long as they don't infringe upon my rights or  my peace of mind. His bullshit "I did a lot of heinous shit, but hey it's ok, I found Jesus" statement also insults the memory of much better men like Malcolm X and even a heinous criminal like Sanyika Shakur (born Kody Scott), a former member of the Eight Tray Crips, It's possible to do far worse than Michael Vick and still find redemption, but examples like Sanyika Shakur are absolultely rare.

Michael Vick didn't admit guilt or voluntarily stop Bad Newz Kennels before it effectively ended his career in the NFL. He apparently had good enough legal counsel to plead to the lesser charges he's facing. Still, I hope that upon cross-examination and once the evidence of the case comes out, he is revealed for murdering animals AND gambling on their deaths - two allegations he has denied. As reported in the DailyPress, Michael Boddie, his own father, stated that Vick has been running dogfighting since 2001, the same year he entered the NFL draft. I find it suspect that Mr. Boddie didn't do anything to stop the dogfights, and that he pleaded with his son to at least try and have the property for Bad Newz Kennels put in his friends' names to avoid legal trouble. He should have listened to this smart, if morally bankrupt advice. I sincerely hope that Michael Vick suffer as much as possible. It's bad enough that Pit Bull Terriers and similar breeds have bad reputations, but he has made it even harder for people to see them as anything but killing machines.

Long before this shit hit the fan, I remember walking up 3rd Ave heading home one day. I saw a 3-legged Pit Bull tethered by its leash just outside a bagel shop. She was absolutely adorable with clear eyes and she bounded towards me for a hug. When the owner came out, he told me how he volunteered at a shelter and he got to know her and made it his mission to rehabilitate her. She gradually warmed up to him and got over whatever fear she had of people. For whatever reasons, he was unable to adopt her right away, and one day he found out that the dog had not only been transferred to a different shelter, the head of that shelter apparently was incredibly afraid of Pit Bulls, because she wasn't given much time to live if nobody adopted her. When this guy found out and with the help of the head of the shelter he worked at, he did everything he could to rescue her... and he did. I shook his hand, thanked him for what he did, went home, and cried. She is a happy playful creature. She has been shit on by whomever took her leg from her. She has been shit on by the system, and yet there were at least two people who belived in her and felt that she was worth fighting for.

And Michael Vick has shit on all of that. I would sincerely like to believe that he is capable of redeeming himself. Sanyika Shakur had been convicted of crimes so heinous, that he spent 4 years in solitary confinment at Pelican Bay State Prison. Somewhere in his incarceration, he found redemption. Unfortuantely he was arrested on March 7th 2007 for beating a man in attempting to steal his car. While this has surely may force other's to question if he really did find redemption, he tried, and he continues to try to make more of himself than a thug. Michael Vick has had a rough life, but he has an incredible amount of resources, he has fucked up a number of times, and he has never learned ONCE. I am not, nor was I ever a fan of Michael Vick's. He is just another idiot athelete who would rather give into shitloads of money than complete 4 years of college. I feel great sympathy for anyone who was a fan of his and feels betrayed.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Hey Tony Snow, Karma is One Hell of a Bitch, Isn't It?

Nothing wakes you up like a spot of good news. Just this morning, I read this on about the White House's latest embarassing departure.

Let me see if I have this right. Tony Snow, the White House spokesman, former guest host for "The Rush Limbaugh Show," "The O'Reilly Factor," and formerly of Fox News Channel, has Colon cancer. It spread to his liver, and he's claiming that he may have to leave for financial reasons? According to, Tony Snow makes $168,000 a year as the White House spokesman. At least that's what he makes on the books. I'd be very surprised if he didn't have more dough stashed away. But let's say that he was a good little citizen and reported every fucking penny he made on his 1040s. Are you telling me that a Washington insider like Tony Snow can't get the best health care in the world?

Gee, maybe the US should have had a better health care system like Michael Moore said in "SiCKO."

I'd like to see this asshole come to understand the error of his ways. I'd like to see him recover fully from cancer and do something with the rest of his life, but this is Tony Snow we're talking about. He'd have to personally be responsible for the Cubs winning the World Series for me to believe he's capable of miraculously understanding what an evil shill he's been. I hope his money dries up, and I hope nobody wants to hear what he has to say or how much he's suffered with cancer. If he has crapped away so much of his money that he's already thinking of what little dough his kids will have for college, he's a fucking idiot. And if he thinks that we're going to buy half the shit he's tried to shovel down our throats about the Bush Administration, he's insulting our intelligence.

Friday, August 10, 2007

Don't Mess with a Classic

Before I go into the nasueating details, I have to warn you that this made me angrier than I've been in ages.

Those of you that know me personally know that this is not a good thing in the least. Lord, I've tried not to react at the provocation of assholes, but sometimes there is no other course of action but to go apeshit. This is one of those times.

ComingSoon is one of the best news sites out there for TV, Film, and DVD info. While some sites like AintItCoolNews are full of freshly churned horseshit and have to issue retractions or rampant disclaimers, ComingSoon is consistently solid. Which pisses me off about this nugget of shit.

Yes, you read right. Apparently Warner Bros. through their Warner Independent Pictures division is looking to remake the martial arts classic film "Enter the Dragon" into "Awaken the Dragon." I don't give a dry fuck who is trying to do it or what their motivation is. To fuck with a classic film and assume that you can get away with anything more than a disturbingly poor reflection of the source is unforgivable. Kurt Sutter may be an incredible TV series producer having worked on "The Shield,," but does this mean that he is qualified to remake Bruce Lee's magnum opus?


To be fair, Director Robert Clouse had a lot to do with the success of "Enter The Dragon" as any director would be partially responsible for the final product, but "Enter The Dragon" was all Bruce Lee. There will NEVER be another martial artist like Bruce Lee, and to even think of remaking one of his films will earn you a savage beating. To be fair, the only remake of a Bruce Lee film that DIDN'T suck was "Fist of Legend," a remake of "Fist of Fury" (known in the US as "The Chinese Connection"). Part of that was because of Jet Li's phenomenal skill as a martial artist, and part of it was the adherence to historical authenticity (both were based on actual events).

I'd like to believe that there are martial artists who can aspire to be as brilliant and innovative as Bruce Lee. I'd like to believe that there can be as important and inspirational a film as "Enter the Dragon," but Kurt Sutter and those parties responsible for trying to pull this off should be savagely beaten and used as bukakke targets. If they recover, simply suggest to them that if they want to make a movie, try making something for which they will be remembered as original artists and not a bunch of brain-dead ass clowns trying to rape the corpse of a genius for a meal ticket.

Excuse Me Father, Your Holy Water Sprinkler Is Showing

This is Rev. Robert Whipkey. He officiates in three different parishes in the Denver, Colorado area. He is seemingly well liked in his community, but he was placed on administrative leave yesterday because he was caught nude in public before sunrise. Jogging. At a local high school track.

He was running around nekkid at a high school track.

According to the KMGH (via report, his excuse for this was that he didn't think that anybody would be around at that time of the day, and as he explained in the police report "I'm a heavy man and wearing clothing while running makes me sweat profusely. I know what I did was wrong,"


If convicted of the misdemeanor of indecent exposure, he faces up to 18 months of jail time and he would have to register as a sex offender.

The KMGH report goes on to show that Father Whipkey was arrested on June 22nd for walking bare-ass naked down the street at 4:35am.

How much you wanna bet that he'll have lots of running buddies in prison?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

Ooooh Speed Bumps! I've Been Naughty!

This is Verle Peter Dills, a 60-year old resident of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Verle is a somewhat average man...outside of the fact that he likes to have sex with road signs. As well as flog the dolphin in public. And he likes to videotape his shenanigans.

He likes to have sex with road signs.

Big Jonny over at DrunkCyclist posted a link to a story about this nutty jackass, and The Smoking Gun got their hands on the affidavit with all the sordid details. Trust me - this nutty redneck is way too weird for even the NYC Village Halloween Parade.

He likes to have sex with road signs.

I've got a hunch that Verle (or as his landlady calls him - "Bubba") looks forward to road construction.

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Memo to Sir Elton John: Shut Your Fat Gob, You Wanker

If the title seems a bit odd considering I'm not a British Subject (although I am an anglophile), allow me to explain. I wanted to make sure that if Sir Elton were to see this, he would understand. Given his recent comments in The Sun, I have serious doubts if Sir Elton would understand that he's a tired old fart. Captain and Tenille are more relevant than him.

Normally I wouldn't care two squirts of piss off a squirrel's ass what he had to say, but I was reading a story on P2Pnet about some jackass named Reginald bitching about the internet on The Sun, and how it's stifling creativity in his esteemed opinion. That jackass is self-described luddite, Sir Elton John. He even went so far as to suggest shutting down the Internet for 5 years to see what kind of art would result. If by "art" he means "mongolian clusterfuck of biblical proportions," I'm sure it would be the kind of art that would make Hieronymus Bosch giggle.

If you're scratching your heads and wondering how far Sir Elton's head is buried up his distended ringpiece, then think about this - his 60th Birthday Gala Concert was streamed over the internet. I'd certainly appreciate it if someone could explain to Sir Elton what a "hypocrite" is, but make sure not to use big words. As reported in The Sun article, sales for his latest album "The Captain & The Kid" are just creeping past 100,000 copies. Gee, I wonder if the olad fart is bitter about something.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Kingpin 2: Electric Boogaloo

Brothers and sisters, can I get an "AMEN" for GorillaMask?

I kinda wish I knew more about Japanese game shows. They had this link of a wonderful yet waaaaaay disturbing mashup of a slip & slide, bowling, and oil.

In fact, I don't know why y'all don't just click on the link. You know you want to look, you cheeky little monkey.

I have a few questions:

1) Was this dude wearing a cup?
2) How the Hell did he manage to maintain his footing, soaked in oil while running towards the pins?
3) If he did get the equivalent of a 7-10 Split, how would he pick up the spare?

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Michelle Madigan is a Stupid Bitch, Flees in Shame at DefCon

Tell me if this makes sense to you. DefCon is a 15 year old convention drawing a huge crowd of internet security professionals, "freelancers" (gasp - hackers, perhaps?), law enforcement agents, and of course, reporters. Reporters have to pay to get in like anyone else, and they are rigorously screened. After all, you wouldn't want to attend a convention and have some jagoff reporter try and catch you admitting illegal activity on camera, would you?

But that's precisely what Michelle Madigan, a producer for NBC Dateline, wanted to do this past Friday. According to Wired, she tried to bullshit her way into DefCon to out an undercover Fed. What she didn't know or bother to research was that "Spot the Fed" is a long standing tradition at DefCon. It's all in good fun, and the Feds that do get caught usually take it in stride. They sure as shit wouldn't need her help.  She had been asked a number of times if she wanted to obtain press credentials, and she refused. Eventually they lured her into an auditorium where a "Spot the Fed" game was underway. DefCon changed the game from "Spot the Fed" to "Spot the Undercover Reporter."

Eventually the dumb skank figured out that they were on to her, and she bolted with a swarm of hackers in tow. They royally took the piss out of her, and luckily one good soul caught it all on camera. You can view the tasty clip here.

Wow. I have seen some dumb bitches in my life, but Michelle Madigan takes the cake. Was she so arrogant to think that she could bullshit her way into a convention of hackers? Hackers have turned bullshitting into an art form, and this goober thought she could pull a Jedi Mind Trick on them? Considering that she had not only pissed off a HACKER CONVENTION, and that she was hounded until she drove off, I think she'll be lucky if this is the last she'll hear of it. Gee, do you think the simple bitch should have covered up her license plates?