Sunday, September 27, 2009

Note to Mssrs. Seagal, Chan, Jagger, Stallone, West et. al - FUCK OFF.

It doesn't take a Jedi Master to trick someone into buying shit they don't need. Sad to say, but celebrity endorsements or celebrity driven products do well enough and then hopefully plummet like the stars that wanted/needed their third rate shit to sell.

Here are a few examples:

Steven Seagal: This once proud and imposing action star has been reduced to a reality show that's been mired in legal issues even before it airs. He may be a bona fide martial arts master, but he is also a black belt in douchebag.

Dude - "Asian Experience?" Shouldn't that be "Long Island/Staten Island Guido Wannabe Experience?"

Jackie Chan: I used to like his movies, but then it became apparent to me that while Jackie Chan may not be a mean-spirited cunt (see above), he has taken so many shots to the head to actually believe that he's a great singer. He also needs to be beaten into a permanent state of retardation just for agreeing to star in "The Kung Fu Kid," a remake of "The Karate Kid." He went from international action star to international house bitch. He's also selling his own line of instant green tea If you go to that link, the funniest bit isn't Jackie Chan selling green tea - it's the "Customers Who Bought This Also Bought" section. Instant chicken soup, green tea, sweat bands, gummi bears, cheddar cheese soy crisps, beef jerky, and toilet paper. Man, if that's not a pothead's shopping list, I don't know what is.

Kanye West: I never liked this douchebag, but when he lost his shit on MTV recently (and if you need a link for that, please do us all a favor and die in a fire), I was forced to look back on this floating loaf. Where the fuck would he have been without Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster Stronger?" I thought Sean Combs was the worst talentless bitch who kept biting off of other artists, but I was wrong. Oh yeah, Kanye West has his own travel agency.

The Rolling Stones: These rock & roll legends need to go back to roots, and by that I mean composting themselves. When is the last time you remember a NEW Rolling Stones track hit the airwaves instead of being used to hawk Kahlua, greeting cards, and other sundry bullshit?

Don't worry, I'll wait for your answer.

But apparently The Rolling Stones weren't rich enough, so they decided to hawk their own fucking wine. They're not as greedy as The Beatles, and I for one would love to have Mark David Chapman given early release to whack Paul and Ringo. Fuck those greedy cunts.

Sylvester Stallone: The cast list for his new movie "The Expendables" reads like a who's who of action star legends - real and film: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Randy "The Natural" Couture, Antonio Rodrigo "Minotauro" Nogueria, and shitloads of cameos. The plot isn't really going to matter. There will be better plots in Arlington, but Stallone is milking his once good name for more flicks and more HGH. The ironic thing is that he has his own line of sports nutrition supplements, "InStone." Yeah, I'm gonna buy supplements from a guy who freely admits to using Human Growth Hormone. He even had 'high protein pudding" in different flavors presumably selected to appeal to people who eat pudding. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have anything to do with Sylvester Stallone's high protein banana cream pudding.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Stank Like Shatner

This is taking licensing a wee bit too far.

Usually Star Trek geeks (myself included) are sticklers for detail and authenticity, but there's no way in Hell I'd want my b.o. to remind people of the rutting Canadian man beast known as Shatner.

I found this lovely little gem on Entertainment Earth.

This is going to set a dangerous precedent for licensed goods. Do we really need to see the possibility of a "There's Something About Mary" hair gel?