Sunday, June 29, 2008

That Little Monkey Just Ain't Right

So I'm looking around to pick up some stuff I need, and because I'm a cheap bastard, I wanted to see what I could pad my order with to get free shipping. I'm looking around, and I came across this little item.

Sure looks cute, doesn't it?

First off, are kids so goddamned pussyfied that they have to have a "safe" version of a pinata? I guess beating the holy bejeezus out of a pinata for candy & toys isn't cool anymore. Then again, I suppose that a kid's party "off the grid" is an odd concept. God forbid kids should actually PLAY OUTSIDE.

But let's look at a line from the product description:
"Pull the correct string to get the candy (not included)."

Now look at where the strings are placed on good ol' Curious George.

What the fuck? What happens if you pull the wrong string? George shits on you? And I guess a wonderful Mexican traditional children's memory is further bastardized by not only taking a central element out (beating the Hell out of it for candy), but replacing it with some sick version of Russian Roulette that a Priest would play with young kids.

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Questions About the Undead

I generally don't cotton to what's commonly referred to as "torture porn," a modern Horror film genre that seems to rely more on shock and gore as opposed to characters. Eli Roth has carved out a reputation for himself with his tasty li'l nugget "Hostel," and apparently he's been keen on making a zombie movie.

Now I fuckin' love zombies (no, not like that). While I love Zack Snyder's remake of "Day of the Dead," I have no respect or appreciation for George Romero's zombie movies. They suck. Don't get me started about that bloated ass-clown of a director. The only movie of his I really liked was "Monkey Shines." That movie was friggin' hilarious. But enough about that jackass.

While there's probably no chance that I'm gonna rush out to see "Hostel" or any of Mr. Roth's filmography, I'm really looking forward to one of his upcoming projects, "Trailer Trash." It can be summed up with three basic questions:

1) What do zombies eat? (People - duh)
2) What happens when you smoke pot? (You get the munchies)
3) What would happen if zombies smoked pot? (Oh Blessed Mother of God)

While I eagerly look forward to "Trailer Trash," it got me to thinking about zombies.

1) What would happen if a zombie bit a vegan?
2) Is it possible for a zombie to be bulimic?
3) If conjoined twins (joined at any part other than the head) were attacked by a zombie, would both become the undead? Would one twin attack the other?
4) Two words: coprophilic zombies (Yes, I know there's something wrong with me)
5) How fuckin' cool would it be if a zombie bit into The Duggar family?
6) If a zombie bit into Dubya, would that give the zombie the shits, and how could you actually tell if Dubya was a zombie?

I ask questions about stuff like this on a regular basis. Sober.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Damnit, I'm Trying.

I remember waiting for the bus having picked up some groceries, and I saw something that pretty much made me sick. Some guy was wearing a replica Michael Vick Atlanta Falcons jersey walking down the street.

I hope to God he got the stink eye from a bunch of people. I'm grateful that this jackass didn't bump into me, because even in the middle of the day in public with witnesses, I would have made him eat his jersey shortly before giving what appeared to be his common-law wife/baby momma/sister/girlfriend an object lesson of what happens when you indiscriminately allow anyone to poke your cooter.

Out of respect to my girlfriend (who is eminently more grounded and less hot-headed than me), I made a vow to her and to myself not to pick a fight. I wouldn't go out of my way to start some petty bullshit, but I am more than willing to finish the fight. This jackass was sorely testing my beliefs, but then I had to hope that Karma would smack his punk ass hard.

Another time I was crossing the street right by our apartment building, and some dumb bitch was jaywalking and in the way. I barreled through her, and she expressed her indignance and shock. I retorted by flipping her the bird and telling her to go fuck herself. Regardless of where you are, if you don't abide by public safety and traffic laws, you'd be lucky if the least of your problems is a Korean telling you in plain language what to do with various parts of your anatomy.

The best part of this is that she was a diplomat (or at least some fucking jackass tourist who arrogantly doesn't know better) and had the bearing and stature that we should all get out of her way. On top of that, she pretty much followed me. I went to a nearby bank to make a deposit, and after I was done, she was waiting for me. She said something to the effect of "Didn't you know I was pregnant?" I responded with "Bitch, I don't care, and I didn't fuck you." Luckily for her sake, she walked away.

I tell you all of this because I'm trying my best to be compassionate towards all living creatures. As a vegan, I have vowed to avoid all animal products including leather, silk, and honey much less alone food. I still have some leather and silk, but once that wears out, I ain't getting any more of that crap. I'm trying to lead by example and help other people understand that there is a better way to leading one's life, and using animal products is not it. I believe that compassion towards animals will lead not only to a healthier life, but to a healthier world. How can you not want that? I'll go into some personal details and how veganism has helped me in another posting.

There's an old saying, "Never try to teach a pig to sing. It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig." You can help people only so far as they are receptive to listening to you, and one thing I have to do is to try and be as diplomatic as possible as well as trying to understand the psychology and frame of mind of the other person. Generally it is worth it, but what's deeply troubling is when you can't help those closest to you because they're too pig-headed. You can hope for the best, but if you can't help those who need it the most, try and help someone - or something.

But one thing I've always lived by is never, NEVER take shit from anyone. If someone is going to give you shit, make damned sure that person and others know what happens when they fuck with you. Unfortunately, life doesn't always present you with this opportunity to respond, and more often than not, you carry around a lot of anger & bad karma like back fat & muffin tops. Even if you're working out like Lance Armstrong, just try and get rid of that kind of flub. The best thing to do is to just drop that shit toot sweet. Move on.