Don't Mess with a Classic

Before I go into the nasueating details, I have to warn you that this made me angrier than I've been in ages.

Those of you that know me personally know that this is not a good thing in the least. Lord, I've tried not to react at the provocation of assholes, but sometimes there is no other course of action but to go apeshit. This is one of those times.

ComingSoon is one of the best news sites out there for TV, Film, and DVD info. While some sites like AintItCoolNews are full of freshly churned horseshit and have to issue retractions or rampant disclaimers, ComingSoon is consistently solid. Which pisses me off about this nugget of shit.

Yes, you read right. Apparently Warner Bros. through their Warner Independent Pictures division is looking to remake the martial arts classic film "Enter the Dragon" into "Awaken the Dragon." I don't give a dry fuck who is trying to do it or what their motivation is. To fuck with a classic film and assume that you can get away with anything more than a disturbingly poor reflection of the source is unforgivable. Kurt Sutter may be an incredible TV series producer having worked on "The Shield,," but does this mean that he is qualified to remake Bruce Lee's magnum opus?

HELL FUCKING NO.

To be fair, Director Robert Clouse had a lot to do with the success of "Enter The Dragon" as any director would be partially responsible for the final product, but "Enter The Dragon" was all Bruce Lee. There will NEVER be another martial artist like Bruce Lee, and to even think of remaking one of his films will earn you a savage beating. To be fair, the only remake of a Bruce Lee film that DIDN'T suck was "Fist of Legend," a remake of "Fist of Fury" (known in the US as "The Chinese Connection"). Part of that was because of Jet Li's phenomenal skill as a martial artist, and part of it was the adherence to historical authenticity (both were based on actual events).

I'd like to believe that there are martial artists who can aspire to be as brilliant and innovative as Bruce Lee. I'd like to believe that there can be as important and inspirational a film as "Enter the Dragon," but Kurt Sutter and those parties responsible for trying to pull this off should be savagely beaten and used as bukakke targets. If they recover, simply suggest to them that if they want to make a movie, try making something for which they will be remembered as original artists and not a bunch of brain-dead ass clowns trying to rape the corpse of a genius for a meal ticket.

It's Best You Don't Ask Too Many Questions

I've been trying to think about how to give my blog a better sense of definition aside from whatever I wanted to talk about, and the best I can think of right now is that every Friday or so I'll try and post something particularly quirky. One week it could be William Shatner's rationalization about why he may not think that he is bald when even Stevie Wonder could see that he's wearing a wig. Another week, it could be stunning examples of stupidity that you may have missed, and this week it's gonna be about one of my favorite movies,"Enter The Dragon."

Evil crimelord Han was a Shaolin disciple and aside from his martial arts tournament of "truly epic proportions" and a really heinous haircut, he is noteworthy of having lost a hand in an accident. It's possible that this was a really cool plot device and a tip of the hat to "Doctor No," but then it's also possible that it has its roots in Shaolin history and out of respect to Shin Huang, a former general who after killing many in battle, became a buddhist monk who cut off his left arm to show his devotion to the teachings of Da Mo (Bodhidarma).

Then again, I'm probably reaching a bit with this part of Shaolin history, but it is interesting nonetheless. In any event, Han had at least three spare hands, one of metal, a claw hand, and a hand made of blades.

So here's the thing. Those fingers on the metal hand were pretty close together. How did he pick his nose? Sometimes you need to go in with a left-hand finger, and sometimes you go mining with a right-hand finger. This had to be frustrating for the bastard.

And then what would happen when Han felt like, well, "rubbing one out?" It's gonna suck if Han's happy hand was his left. Did he have to have a left hand curled like it was gonna grip his bits & pieces? Could he have a lotion dispenser put into it? What if he was a freak? Could he have a hand made to reach those special places?

And let's say Han was a little forgetful. Can you imagine how embarassing it would have been for him if he went out and forgot he had his "backdoor buddy probe" hand on?

Still, on the plus side, Han would have been a really effective pimp. None of his bitches would step out ouf line for fear of a pimp slap from "Lefty" Han.

This is the kind of stuff I think about. Like I said, it's best y'all don't ask too many questions.