Mighty Saku the Weed Wacker

This is Sakuraba Kazushi, one of the most loved and respected mixed martial arts fighters of all time. He is known as "The Gracie Hunter" for having fought and defeated some of the most feared fighters in the Gracie family. He is goofy and brings a wonderfully lighthearted sense of humor to a decidedly brutal sport. He also has some incredible moves, and if you get the chance, I'd highly recommend you look for DVDs of the early Pride F/C matches he fought in.

When my girlfriend and I got our first guinea pig, we thought long and hard about what to name him. We didn't want to go with the usual cutesy crap, and it dawned on me. Saku. Trust me, it fits the lil guy's personality, and I would hope that Sakuraba-san would approve.

This is clip of Saku going medieval on some organic dandelion greens. So far he nibbles away at most anything, but lordamighty, he inhaled the weeds.



Cute lil booger, isn't he?

Never Kick Someone When They're Down. Get Them in a Kimura

Lord I try and be chivalrous, and there are paragons that I aspire to, and rather than give in to the obvious temptation to kick a beeyatch when she's down, make an object lesson out of them. A painfully elaborate and Tarrantino-esque object lesson. The kind of object lesson that ED-209 was used for in the beginning of "RoboCop." Gov. Palin Twinkie, this is for you in earnest hopes that you make the most of your community college education and settle into a life of a truck stop waitress. Lord knows you are not nearly as sophisticated as Sen. Ted Stevens, and look where that moron is headed. I know damned well that he's not going to get cornholed in prison along with the other CONVICTED FELONS, but we can hope his ass becomes the Bridge to Nowhere, eh?

While I am not a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu student, I and my girlfriend are mixed martial arts enthusiasts and have followed Pride, K-1, UFC, and other promotions avidly. One of the most feared moves is the Kimura lock (gyaku ude-garami). There's a particularly nice illustration of it at Grapplearts. I'm dying to take a practical martial art like Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, and I can only imagine how much pain and damage something like this would do to an opponent. Let's unleash a figurative Kimura (or even better yet - a Crucifix) on Gov. Twinkie so the dumb bitch is reduced to a blubbering mess. Gov. Twinkie has not elected to take the high road, nor has she proven that she can take simple orders or abide by her position in the election. I would like to believe that Sen. McCain is capable of some of the steaming bullshit campaign promises he's put forth, but this guy makes Ronald Wilson Reagan look brilliant.

And Reagan thought Ketchup was a vegetable. By the way, did you know that if you rearrange the letters in "Ronald Wilson Reagan," you can spell "Insane Anglo Warlord?"

So, let's do to Gov. Twinkie what the Allied Forces did to Omaha Beach. Attacking her because of her children and their shortcomings is not cool. The kids are obviously of flawed character, and while it would be easy to use her kids as political liabilities, that does not address the fact that if Sarah Palin is a dumb fucking parasite in public office. I would be happier than a pig in shit if she were removed from public office and became as relevant to American politics as Lyndon Larouche.

Sarah Palin is about as sophisticated as a Stuckey's Pecan Log. A bipartisan panel found her guilty of abusing her power. The dumb bitch tries to cry foul and use the 1st Amendment as a defense against criticism. Umm... no bitch, The 1st Amendment doesn't protect that. A humanities and liberal arts education does, but then again, she wouldn't know much about education. Walking around in a one piece bathing suit and fuck-me pumps, yes. Shooting an animal with a high powered rifle and a scope from an elevated and advantageous position, yes. Understanding the application of that festering mass between her ears? Hell fucking no.

Take a look at this list of her highlights from Who Sucks. Certainly it is incomplete, but I hope that if this dumb bitch thinks she's ready to step into the political arena Octagon, then she should be ready to receive the asswhooping of her life.

MMA - It's What's for Breakfast

Good lord knows I love a good fight, and I remember the first time I saw a really scary one. It was the first time Riddick Bowe squared off against Andrew Golota in 1996 at Madison Square Garden. I was not physically there (THANK GOD), and it changed from a comedy of errors and hits below the belt into a full blown riot. I was laughing my ass off watching this on HBO. I sincerely wish I could get a tape or a DVD of this fight. The normally stoic ring commentators were crying and about as confused as headless chickens.

Coincidentally in the same year, the Ultimate Fighting Championship was born out of a desire of the Gracie family to show the world its dominance over martial arts with its Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. In the first UFC fights, there were lots of blood, brutal hits, and on occasion a flying tooth. Eleven years later, Boxing is still seen as a viable and highly promotable sport, while there are still states in the US that won't legalize Mixed Martial Arts (MMA). I honestly believe that I will see a Van Damme movie that doesn't suck before I see an MMA fight in NYC. And I like Van Damme.

The UFC has been resurrected in recent years, and foreign promoters like Pride and K-1 are enjoying a growing market in the US. In the past couple of years, the International Fight Leauge (the IFL) has put MMA in the context of team sports - and it has enjoyed growing success. And yet the sad thing is that even though MMA has become increasingly regulated and rules have been enforced globally to protect the fighters long-term careers, it's still perceived as an underground bloodthirsty sport. Kind of like the highlights of a good Hockey game.

Watch a good fight, and instead of seeing a bare-knuckle throwdown, you'll see a couple of tacticians quickly size up their opponents, look for their "tells" or weaknesses, and exploit them. Shit, if Poker can be considered a sport, how long is it gonna take for the New York Times to do have a regular MMA section? I know it will take a while, but there's even another more cynical way to look at MMA. Marketing.

The mats of any fight are loaded with sponsorships from products ranging from beer, tires, major motion pictures, and even Microsoft and other computer/video game hardware/software companies are getting in on a very lucrative market. Watch the highlights of a UFC fight and pay attention to the audience. On top of that, take a look at the size of arenas in Japan that have been host to fights like Pride F/C or K-1 Hero's. Not since the heydays of Queen, Bruce Springsteen, or Kiss has an arena been so filled with energy.

Even if it's going to take a while for MMA to become as viable a sport as boxing in the US, I can wait it out. And let's look at boxing for a moment. Sure boxing is on pay-per-view cable, and sure it makes a lot of money, but can you name more than one current Heavyweight Champion?

Don't worry, I'll wait.

And no fair using the 'net.

The sad reality is that the precious few people give a wet slap off a donkey's ass about boxing anymore. It seems like the one thing that everybody remembers is Mike Tyson making an hors d'oeuvre of Evander Holyfield's ear. Don't get me wrong - I would like to see a good boxing fight, but with the sheer amount of different ways to punish your oppponent, MMA offers a lot more for the viewer than boxing.

As for me, I'm looking forward to watching Chuck "The Iceman" Liddell and Quentin "Rampage" Jackson square off again. And who would have thought that Randy "The Natural" Couture could have given such a resounding ass- whooping in his comeback?