Monday, June 1, 2009

Horror Fiction Now in Two-Ply!

I look high and low for stuff that will amuse me and sometimes I find shit that just stops me dead in my friggin' tracks. As much as I would try to resist making inappropriate comments, I remember that old adage, "To thine own bastard be true." So here we go kids. Strap your helmets on, because it's gonna be a bumpy ride, bitches

I've never been one for the trend in movies to assrape a piece from one culture and "adapt" it to fit a different market. It's happened notably in modern horror movies with Japan & the US (e.g. "The Grudge," "The Ring," "The Steaming Crock of Shit"). It's happened in cartoons, and usually those efforts have failed miserably. Still, this doesn't hurt a huge collector's niche market that will eagerly swallow any tripe that's translated, subbed, or fansubbed. Borders Books has sections devoted to anime and manga.

I say this to prepare you for this lovely little nugget.

Let's look at a few points in this article, shall we?
1) "Drop," set in a public restroom, takes up about three feet (90 centimeters) of a roll and can be read in just a few minutes, according to the manufacturer." Given the horror motif, I think "Splatter" would have been a better title. It's more familiar a term to horror, and in the john, what's worse - something that drops or something that splatters?

2) The company promotes the toilet paper, which will sell for 210 yen ($2.20) a roll, as "a horror experience in the toilet." You could get a horror experience in the toilet after a sack of sliders from White Castle. Then again, the former Senator Larry Craig has his own horror experience in the toilet.

3)Toilets in Japan were traditionally tucked away in a dark corner of the house due to religious beliefs. For example, "Holy Shit, Jiri, what the fuck did you eat, you nasty bastard? Light a match!"

4)Parents would tease children that a hairy hand might pull them down into the dark pool below. If your kid is pinching loaves that look like hairy hands, then your kid needs to go to a gastroenterologist toot fucking sweet.

How long do you think it will take some douchebag Hollywood producer (I know, I know - I'm being redundant) to option "Drop" for a movie? And then a musical? And then a movie based on the musical based on the movie based on a fucking roll of toilet paper?

And if this is from the author of "The Ring," does this make "Drop" a "Ring" piece?

No comments: