Saturday, March 29, 2008

The Worst Goddamned Album PERIOD.

Sweet friggin Jesus, all I wanted to do was to read the paper with my girlfriend in Borders. Seriously. That's it. I can deal with the hyperactive ankle biters flailing around, their nannies/parents who don't give a crap about how atrocious their spawn are acting, the emo bastards shuffling through life, and the ultrafabulous (and clueless) meatsacks who are bitching about shit to no end on their ultrafabulous cell phones. Hell, I can even deal with the bloated gelatinous mass of recycled Cheetos, Yoo Hoo and Jolt reading comic books, because I like comic books, HOWEVER, I don't leave a wake of junk food and armpit musk for all to enjoy. Goddamn, how expensive is Old Spice now?

I can deal with all of that, but when my girlfriend starts to ask how does a books & music store determine what music to play in the store, I figured it was getting on her nerves. Then when I realized that she wasn't reading as much as holding her head in her hands trying to drown out the sounds of mediocrity that I figured she was gonna lose her shit. Let's put things in perspective for a moment. When I lose my shit, people generally know within a few feet at least. It doesn't surprise some people when I go off like an overcaffeinated Lewis Black (my inspiration and hero). But when I see my girlfriend lose her shit, I know it has to be really fucked up.

We both wanted to ask a clerk what cd was playing, slap the holy bejeezus out of the clerk, rip the cd out of the player and shatter it. We had no idea what the buggery bollocks it was, and all we remember was that they didn't so much as cover a Beatles track as they raped it with slack key guitar. I love real country music (Randy Travis is the shit), adn this wasn't country. A track or two later, the "artists" saw fit to do a simiilar raping of "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot." Throughout this audio torture, my girlfriend pleaded with me to shut up and stop with the potty mouth. Ummmm.... nope. At this point in time, the football has been passed to the President, and it's on like muthafuckin' Donkey Kong. If some smarmy little clerk comes up to me and asks me to shut up, I'll ask him to put on some friggin' Van Halen (NOT Van Hagar) or Kiss to drown out the crap.

Another point to understand: my girlfriend and I share a masochistic love of shitty music. When we started dating, as a gag I got her a couple cds loaded with some heinous covers like Cassius Clay singing "Stand By Me," and William Shatner singing "Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds." I told her that William Shatner did an album called "The Transformed Man," and she made me hunt for it. This is one reason why I love her. She couldn't bring herself to listen to Pat Boone's collection of Heavy Metal covers ("In A Metal Mood"), nor will she listen to David Hasselhoff. However, if William Shatner is coming to New York, we're there. I paid money for a David Koresh (Yes, that David Koresh) cd. You gotta love an album title like "Voices of Fire." This album, "Volume One" by She & Him was worse than all of that. Apparently I'm supposed to be impressed by the fact that Actress Zoey Deschanel thinks she can sing. I will not link to this album, because I hope in earnest that this album goes down quicker than Elliot Spitzer's career. If you see this album in a "staff picks" section, Inquire as to the mental health requirements of their staff. If you are curious about this album enough to listen to it, wash your ears out with some Madeleine Peyroux, BT, or Hapa.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Did you know that the band She & Him consists of both Zoey Deschanel and M. Ward? Furthermore, I listened to the album, which doesn't necessarily fit the genre of music I love most, but I listened nonetheless after catching Zoey on NPR one morning. I did not think it was so horrible. I thought she sounded a lot like Madeleine Peyroux, who you suggest people should listen to as an alternative. Furthermore on a personal note, I have met Zoey before (on the east coast) and she is an extremely sweet, intelligent, and talented person who is far more than an actress. She was also very warm and not your typical hollywood superficial snob, she was extremely engaging and left a memorable impression. The tone of your blog post reflects an underlying disappointment in your own shortfalls, as all you really seem to accomplish is a meaningless rant of haphazardly passing judgment on all those around you, from the patrons in Borders to the musicians playing over the PA.

P.S. Randy Travis sucks...

Seoul Brother said...

First off, allow me to say this much: If you don't have the courage to stand behind your comments with precious little more than "anonymous," then you are NOTHING more than a chickenshit cowardly blog troll. Even if you want to follow this up with a pseudonym, I have no problem with that. I have seen way too many trolls like yourself think that they are enlightened and well-read on other blogs, and guess what, asshole? This kind of asinine behavior will NOT be tolerated on Hollow Points. If you're such a fan of "She & Him,", then goddamnit, stand up for yourself. If not, sit down, shut up, and don't say a word until you create an identity.

Rest assured that if I see any more of your nonsense, I will not only reject your comments, I will quote them in a follow up and tear into your rapier-like wit so hard, your ancestors will feel it.

That having been said, let's take a look your well thought out defense of "She&Him"

"Did you know that the band She & Him consists of both Zoey Deschanel and M. Ward?" Yes, I did know. I didn't give a dry shit then, and I don't give a dry shit now."Furthermore on a personal note, I have met Zoey before (on the east coast) and she is an extremely sweet, intelligent, and talented person who is far more than an actress."I don't care if you met Andy Dick in a public bathroom. Superficiality is such a cornerstone of entertainment industries that stars know that the spotlight is rarely off them. That having been said, I'm extremely suspect of the reported behavior of any media star. They could be absolute rat bastard degenerates in private and have a team of image consultants to make sure that they are paragons of virtue."The tone of your blog post reflects an underlying disappointment in your own shortfalls, as all you really seem to accomplish is a meaningless rant of haphazardly passing judgment on all those around you, from the patrons in Borders to the musicians playing over the PA."Interesting. If my rant seemed haphazard, I may have failed in stating that customers at any random Borders flagship store are not homogenous. There will be any variety of people coming in to spend time and/or look for something to buy. Some of these are blissfully ignorant of what fools they really are. Is it nice to take the piss out of them? NO. Is the very concept of schadenfreude morally bankrupt? Possibly. But I never said that I was a nice person, especially when pissed off. If you were paying attention, I said that all I really wanted to do was to read the paper with my girlfriend in peace. I didn't want to be forced to listen to what I felt was utter crap. We didn't walk into Borders that fine day looking to take the piss out of every mamaluke there, but hey, that's how the day ended up."P.S. Randy Travis sucks..."Any sort of gravity you may have against this post was wiped out by this foolish non sequitur. I might have believed your claim that Ms. Deschanel sounds like Madeleine Peyroux. I would be interested in knowing what led you to that conclusion. Seriously. However to end your complaints/concerns which seemed well constructed (although I don't agree with one fucking syllable), ending it with "P.S. Randy Travis sucks..." makes the last impression "What the Fuck?" You could have ended it with "P.S. Almond Joys have nuts, Mounds don't," and you would have achieved the exact same thing. I'm not even going to enter into a defense of why I like Randy Travis, and/or country music, or the research I did about "She & Him." You haven't shown that you have the courage to stand behind your statements, (or that you understand insult humor) and I will use you as an object lesson.

MrFlapper said...

LOL Your post is that much better for having the two long, rambling comments after it. Very funny.