Hello, I'm Korean and I love Donuts, but WTF?

Recently on The Travel Channel, there was a special on donuts. I was drooling like Homer Simpson. I fucking love donuts, but as I'm still trying to drop some weight, I gotta stay away from donuts.

Then there's also the added problem of some ingredients not being vegan. I'd have to check, but it's a fair assumption to make that unless specified, most confections are made with traditional necrovore-friendly sugar. That is to say sugar bleached through the charred remains of animal bones.

Yuck,

Then I saw this list of Most Unusual Dunkin Donuts from Around the World. The list starts off on a great note with Mojito and Banana Daiquiri flavor donuts, but shit goes downhill real fucking fast. I have a few questions:

1) Who would have thought that Dunkin Donuts had such a stranglehold on the world?
2) Do cops from other countries have their own favorites?
3) Did NOBODY in Dunkin Donuts R&D get the fucking memo that Koreans + donuts = fail?

To back up my last question, I present this evidence:

Yes, that's not only a Garlic Donut, but a Garlic GLAZED Donut.
But that's not the worst part.

This is.


A Kimchee-Filled Donut. Sweet Sonny Chiba, WHAT THE BLESSED FUCK?

My Sentiments Exactly, Dude

This was taken from the infamous "Episode III: Backstroke of the West," or "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith" translated into Chinese by a bunch of crackheads. English subtitles were done by more crackheads, and some enterprising jackass took out the Chinese language track, and added back in the original English language track. Oh yeah - the also added bogus timecode bars up top to make it look like an official workprint.

Hilarious.

Unclean Stuff I Think About

Man, I used to love the Smurfs. Little blue gnomes living peacefully in a mushroom village...I'm fairly certain that before the cartoons came out on NBC on Saturday mornings a lifetime ago, I knew that it was a hit comic strip in Europe. I remember having the Windsurfing Smurf.

Somewhere between that idyllic moment and not, I became a cynical, angry motherfucker of a jackass, and I think about weird shit.

Like that skank Smurfette. She was such a goddamned slut. You live in the woods, there are predators and at least one mincy little bitch of an evil wizard Hellbent on eating Smurfs, and there's a skanky blue 'ho in pumps? And let me get this straight - 100 MALE Smurfs, and 1 FEMALE Smurf. Can anyone say "Bluekakke?"

Maybe I'm imagining things, but aside from Poppa Smurf and Paris Hilton Smurfette, the rest of the Smurfs were bald. Yeah, I know about Sassette. That little ginger Smurf can kiss my ass.

Who could forget Jokey Smurf, the crazy little fucker who liked watching shit explode? When the fuck did al Quaeda get a splinter cell amongst the Smurfs?

Was Hefty Smurf overcompensating for something? I mean statistically, at least 10 of those Smurfs had to be gay.

Poppa Smurf should have checked Dreamy Smurf's arms for track marks. I'm guessing he was rocking the white horse.

Stank Like Shatner

This is taking licensing a wee bit too far.


Usually Star Trek geeks (myself included) are sticklers for detail and authenticity, but there's no way in Hell I'd want my b.o. to remind people of the rutting Canadian man beast known as Shatner.

I found this lovely little gem on Entertainment Earth.

This is going to set a dangerous precedent for licensed goods. Do we really need to see the possibility of a "There's Something About Mary" hair gel?

Asshole Litmus Test

A friend of mine on an abolitionist animal rights forum recently encountered a bunch of assholes on Facebook because they posted 35 reasons for going vegetarian. It was disheartening to my friend, and I said that vegetarianism was one of those volatile issues that will polarize people and reveal your true friends from detritus filling your life.

I called it an Asshole Litmus Test, and I thought to expand upon that concept. As a fierce individual, I have a lot of shit I believe in and a lot of shit I simply won't budge on. I remember trying to date some friend of a friend, and unbeknown to me, that chick went to an old friend of mine and asked what kind of person I was. They responded, "There are two kinds of people. Those that don't know him, and those that would take a bullet for him. You have to figure out which one you are." I nearly cried on the spot when he told me this.

The maturity of your friends will be partially measured in what or how far they are willing to accept you in spite of what they don't agree with. However, you may grossly overestimate your friends, and while it may be disillusioning to see a friend revealed to be a real bunghole.

This is a work in progress. This helps me to determine if I should not return their calls, ignore them, or slap them so hard they hit the pavement. This list is in no particular order of importance. Just what came to mind.

Can I take them in a fair fight?
Can I take them in an unfair fight? (i.e. armed, unethical strikes, etc)
Are there police around? (Public disturbances are subject to being served a summons)
Do I need to associate with them directly?
Do I need to associate with them through friends, family, and/or loved ones?
Do they owe me anything?
Do I owe them anything?
Are they diametrically opposed to what I believe in?
Are they assholes about it?
Are they inebriated?
Are they in need of medical assistance not caused by self-destructive conditions (over-eating, inebriation, etc)?
Can I distract them with pornography, shiny objects, and/or flatulence?
Can I ignore them?

Osu, Zombie Sensei!

I almost wish I could understand what was going on, but I'm not screwing with art.

Horror Fiction Now in Two-Ply!

I look high and low for stuff that will amuse me and sometimes I find shit that just stops me dead in my friggin' tracks. As much as I would try to resist making inappropriate comments, I remember that old adage, "To thine own bastard be true." So here we go kids. Strap your helmets on, because it's gonna be a bumpy ride, bitches

I've never been one for the trend in movies to assrape a piece from one culture and "adapt" it to fit a different market. It's happened notably in modern horror movies with Japan & the US (e.g. "The Grudge," "The Ring," "The Steaming Crock of Shit"). It's happened in cartoons, and usually those efforts have failed miserably. Still, this doesn't hurt a huge collector's niche market that will eagerly swallow any tripe that's translated, subbed, or fansubbed. Borders Books has sections devoted to anime and manga.

I say this to prepare you for this lovely little nugget.

Let's look at a few points in this article, shall we?
1) "Drop," set in a public restroom, takes up about three feet (90 centimeters) of a roll and can be read in just a few minutes, according to the manufacturer." Given the horror motif, I think "Splatter" would have been a better title. It's more familiar a term to horror, and in the john, what's worse - something that drops or something that splatters?

2) The company promotes the toilet paper, which will sell for 210 yen ($2.20) a roll, as "a horror experience in the toilet." You could get a horror experience in the toilet after a sack of sliders from White Castle. Then again, the former Senator Larry Craig has his own horror experience in the toilet.

3)Toilets in Japan were traditionally tucked away in a dark corner of the house due to religious beliefs. For example, "Holy Shit, Jiri, what the fuck did you eat, you nasty bastard? Light a match!"

4)Parents would tease children that a hairy hand might pull them down into the dark pool below. If your kid is pinching loaves that look like hairy hands, then your kid needs to go to a gastroenterologist toot fucking sweet.

How long do you think it will take some douchebag Hollywood producer (I know, I know - I'm being redundant) to option "Drop" for a movie? And then a musical? And then a movie based on the musical based on the movie based on a fucking roll of toilet paper?

And if this is from the author of "The Ring," does this make "Drop" a "Ring" piece?

Tour de Buhdonkudonk

I almost missed this one, but thank god I had my digital camera on me at the time. Lining up the shot was hard enough because I didn't want to look terribly obvious in a "HOLY MOTHER OF NICK NOLTE! WHAT THE BLESSED FUCK IS THAT?"-state of mind.

Damn, I need another drink.

Midtown Hot Mess o' Hair

I was walking with my girlfriend one morning to see her off to work while I went on to get groceries. We were right across the street from her office building, when I spotted this menopausal hot mess.



Drink it in, bitches.

I silently reached in my pocket for my camera, and I tried carefully so as not to draw attention by shouting "Holy FUCK! Check out that prune's mullet!" I could see my girlfriend's face tighten up as she tried desperately not to laugh. She kind of looked like when Harvey Korman tried to reign it in as he tried not to lose his shit during any random episode of "The Carol Burnett Show."

And if you think that's bad, you should have seen this taxidermy experiment from the front. Sweet Blessed Merciful Buddha, it took every ounce of restraint I had not to go get hammered off of some fortified wine.

Umm... Dude - You Should Change Your Light Bulbs

You gotta love being at the right spot at the right time to see crap like this happen.

Questions About the Undead

I generally don't cotton to what's commonly referred to as "torture porn," a modern Horror film genre that seems to rely more on shock and gore as opposed to characters. Eli Roth has carved out a reputation for himself with his tasty li'l nugget "Hostel," and apparently he's been keen on making a zombie movie.

Now I fuckin' love zombies (no, not like that). While I love Zack Snyder's remake of "Day of the Dead," I have no respect or appreciation for George Romero's zombie movies. They suck. Don't get me started about that bloated ass-clown of a director. The only movie of his I really liked was "Monkey Shines." That movie was friggin' hilarious. But enough about that jackass.

While there's probably no chance that I'm gonna rush out to see "Hostel" or any of Mr. Roth's filmography, I'm really looking forward to one of his upcoming projects, "Trailer Trash." It can be summed up with three basic questions:

1) What do zombies eat? (People - duh)
2) What happens when you smoke pot? (You get the munchies)
3) What would happen if zombies smoked pot? (Oh Blessed Mother of God)

While I eagerly look forward to "Trailer Trash," it got me to thinking about zombies.

1) What would happen if a zombie bit a vegan?
2) Is it possible for a zombie to be bulimic?
3) If conjoined twins (joined at any part other than the head) were attacked by a zombie, would both become the undead? Would one twin attack the other?
4) Two words: coprophilic zombies (Yes, I know there's something wrong with me)
5) How fuckin' cool would it be if a zombie bit into The Duggar family?
6) If a zombie bit into Dubya, would that give the zombie the shits, and how could you actually tell if Dubya was a zombie?

I ask questions about stuff like this on a regular basis. Sober.

So You Think Your Boss Sucks?

We've all worked for some reall dumb sumbitches, and I've had the misfortune of working for some of the absolute worst bosses in existence (You simple bitches know who you are).  A friend of mine had sent me this internal memo a while ago.  At the time, they worked for a really musty reference publisher that would have to be dragged into the 21st Century by its withered appendages.  After reading the original memo, I would dearly like to see the simple bitch who wrote this memo suffer such a criminally pornographic death that only Salvador Dali could draw the crime scene chalk outline of his corpse.  

Now, this may look innocent, but if you highlight over this whole posting, you'll see my edits.  I don't give two squirts of piss about the well being of the asshole who wrote the original memo, but out of respect to my pal, I have omitted any names in order 
to make sure that nothing gets back to anyone.  This pains me, 
because as I've said, I'd love to see the asshole who wrote this suffer the kind of fate that befits a child rapist in prison.

Subject: Kitchen Table Press

From time to time, I'll be leaving on our kitchen table a book I've found particularly interesting on the chance that someone else might also enjoy it.

Of course, this does not necessarily mean I've read the book.  the state of having my head well up my ass past my grossly distended anus makes it rather difficult to read. 

The first title in this series (that--unlike everything else--comes without obligations or a schedule) is W.G. Sebald's The Emigrants (New Directions), a book that I've found works its magic on the reader slowly but steadily.

As does Syphilis.

If you have titles you want to contribute, please do so. If there's a lot of interest in this, perhaps we'll dedicate a shelf in the library to OMITTED staff picks.

Yes, let's dedicate time and effort on other books instead of what we're publishing.  After all, it is of utmost urgency that I add to the magnitude of my stunning levels of ignorance and insensitivity, while stroking my ego as a trendsetter. 

Here's to literacy,
And here's to having you kiss my perpetually erupting boil crusted ass. 

CENSORED
Publisher and Festering Wart on the Yam Bag of Literacy