Goddamn, I Hate George Romero

Ain't much in life that can put a smile on my face easier than a bunch of zombies. I love zombies, and more specifically, seeing them get fucked up with shotguns, baseball bats, chainsaws, garden tools - anything.

You'd think that because of my penchant for the undead, that I'd love the movies of George Romero.

You'd be dead fucking wrong.

George Romero is revered as the Godfather of horror movies having churned out "Night of the Living Dead," "Dawn of the Dead," "Day of the Dead," and a bunch more. The problem is that he was too fucking stupid (or stoned or both) to copyright "Night of the Living Dead." You can find a shitload of different legal releases of "Night of the Living Dead," and Romero ain't gonna see more than a squirt of piss off of them. He also freely admits to ripping off Richard Matheson's seminal vampire novel I Am Legend as the "inspiration" for "NOTLD."

OK, so he's an idiot and a thief. Big deal. So's George Lucas. Maybe he can churn out a decent zombie movie, right?

Nope.

I looked around for "Dawn of the Dead," and I found out that there were at least three different edits of the movie. The special effects were apparently deemed too gory to get an "R" rating from the MPAA in 1978. I finally saw a fanedit (and no, I'm not telling how or where) of "Dawn of the Dead" that incorporated all three different cuts, and I don't necessarily have a problem with the gore or the cheesy makeup. The pacing sucked. It looked as if Romero bit off more than he could chew. There was no real consistent sense of impending doom from the undead. There were a few memorable bits but on the whole, it was boring as fuck. I'm not buying into the praise of "DOTD" as a critique of modern consumerism. Zack Snyder handled that a LOT better in his 2004 remake, and the remake was a lot scarier. No, Romero failed to understand the transition from the claustrophobic environment in "NOTLD" to a wide open shopping mall in "DOTD."

In 1996, Capcom released their "survival horror" video game "Resident Evil" (known in Japan as "Biohazard"). There were monsters, traps, and VERY hungry zombies. Speculation began almost immediately about a movie, and while it took a long time to make through "development Hell," 2002 saw the first "Resident Evil"-inspired movie. It and the subsequent movies weren't entirely faithful, but it could have been a lot worse. George Romero was the fanboy favorite to direct, and I remember there was some outrage that he wasn't actually going to direct it. The "Resident Evil" movie was far from briliant, but I can't imagine how much it would have reeked of fomunda cheese if that overrated Roger Corman-knockoff directed it.

Osu, Zombie Sensei!

I almost wish I could understand what was going on, but I'm not screwing with art.

Woody, Lay Off the Pipe, Dude

Lord help me I love zombies. It's incredibly difficult to make a shitty zombie movie, but then again George Romero has made practically nothing BUT shitty zombie movies.

Yeah, I said it, and I'll take any motherfucker who takes exception to the octagon.

I'm enjoying the fact that Hollywood seems to be making more zombie movies. I read that there's going to be a movie based on the book Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I shit thee not. Reading this recent story on CNN.com, I thought less of the movie "Zombieland," and more of Woody's recreational drug use.

I doubt any victim of paparazzi would have second thoughts of bitch slapping them, but Woody's excuse for his behavior leads me to believe that he needs to lay off the pipe. Seriously dude, you're not doing a blessed fucking thing for either hemp as a viable alternative to conventional resources or to the "Zombieland" production. Are you fucking kidding me? He was soooo good a method actor that he was "in character" while he was with his daughter in an airport? What the buggery Hell made him think that paparazzi were zombies and NOT flight attendants?

Woody needs an intervention or he needs to go on a pot bender so deep that his eyelids will reek of bongwater. It's getting incredibly hard to accept him as a serious actor without the benefit of Funyuns and White Castle.

Questions About the Undead

I generally don't cotton to what's commonly referred to as "torture porn," a modern Horror film genre that seems to rely more on shock and gore as opposed to characters. Eli Roth has carved out a reputation for himself with his tasty li'l nugget "Hostel," and apparently he's been keen on making a zombie movie.

Now I fuckin' love zombies (no, not like that). While I love Zack Snyder's remake of "Day of the Dead," I have no respect or appreciation for George Romero's zombie movies. They suck. Don't get me started about that bloated ass-clown of a director. The only movie of his I really liked was "Monkey Shines." That movie was friggin' hilarious. But enough about that jackass.

While there's probably no chance that I'm gonna rush out to see "Hostel" or any of Mr. Roth's filmography, I'm really looking forward to one of his upcoming projects, "Trailer Trash." It can be summed up with three basic questions:

1) What do zombies eat? (People - duh)
2) What happens when you smoke pot? (You get the munchies)
3) What would happen if zombies smoked pot? (Oh Blessed Mother of God)

While I eagerly look forward to "Trailer Trash," it got me to thinking about zombies.

1) What would happen if a zombie bit a vegan?
2) Is it possible for a zombie to be bulimic?
3) If conjoined twins (joined at any part other than the head) were attacked by a zombie, would both become the undead? Would one twin attack the other?
4) Two words: coprophilic zombies (Yes, I know there's something wrong with me)
5) How fuckin' cool would it be if a zombie bit into The Duggar family?
6) If a zombie bit into Dubya, would that give the zombie the shits, and how could you actually tell if Dubya was a zombie?

I ask questions about stuff like this on a regular basis. Sober.