Unclean Stuff I Think About

Man, I used to love the Smurfs. Little blue gnomes living peacefully in a mushroom village...I'm fairly certain that before the cartoons came out on NBC on Saturday mornings a lifetime ago, I knew that it was a hit comic strip in Europe. I remember having the Windsurfing Smurf.

Somewhere between that idyllic moment and not, I became a cynical, angry motherfucker of a jackass, and I think about weird shit.

Like that skank Smurfette. She was such a goddamned slut. You live in the woods, there are predators and at least one mincy little bitch of an evil wizard Hellbent on eating Smurfs, and there's a skanky blue 'ho in pumps? And let me get this straight - 100 MALE Smurfs, and 1 FEMALE Smurf. Can anyone say "Bluekakke?"

Maybe I'm imagining things, but aside from Poppa Smurf and Paris Hilton Smurfette, the rest of the Smurfs were bald. Yeah, I know about Sassette. That little ginger Smurf can kiss my ass.

Who could forget Jokey Smurf, the crazy little fucker who liked watching shit explode? When the fuck did al Quaeda get a splinter cell amongst the Smurfs?

Was Hefty Smurf overcompensating for something? I mean statistically, at least 10 of those Smurfs had to be gay.

Poppa Smurf should have checked Dreamy Smurf's arms for track marks. I'm guessing he was rocking the white horse.

Farewell to Bob Shamrock - A Saint Among Men

(Big Props to Knucklepit.com)

This is Bob Shamrock (right) and his son Ken, legendary UFC Hall of Famer. Bob passed away today at the home of Ken and his wife Tonya. There's a great obituary on one of my favorite MMA websites, MMAWeekly.com. Bob died from a long-term battle with Diabetes, and he was fortunate to have passed on in the company of friends and family.

"Family."

Let that word settle in for a moment, because Bob has a huge family to match the depth of his heart. He opened up his home in Susanville, California to hundreds of boys that society had turned their backs on. Foster kids, runaways, and even guys as fucked up as Ken Wayne Kilpatrick who at the tender age of 13 already had a police record including armed robbery. Bob saw sports as an outlet for his boys, and whatever they needed, Bob gave. It may not have been the best education money could buy, but it was good, and it was what he could afford. A college education may not have been at Stanford, but it was a college education, and Bob footed the bill. FOR ALL HIS BOYS.

On Ken's 18th birthday, Bob legally adopted him, and out of respect Ken legally changed his name to Shamrock. Frank Allsio Juarez III came to the Shamrock Boys Home under similar conditions as Ken, and Frank also changed his name to Shamrock out of respect for the man who had done so much for him. Frank went on to become a legendary MMA fighter.

Farewell, Bob. Your charity and generosity have given hope to hundreds of boys. You are a true inspiration and a saint.

My God, It's Full of Stars

And with those fateful words, David Bowman, protagonist of Sir Arthur C. Clarke's science fiction classic 2001: A Space Odyssey, dove into the unknown. I may be amongst a minority of science fiction fans when I say this, but I didn't hate Peter Hyams' "2010: The Year We Make Contact," (the sequel to Stanley Kubrick's film"2001"). In fact, I loved it. I may also be in a minority of film and movie buffs when I say that I do not deify Stanley Kubrick. Out of his body of work that I've seen ("The Shining," "2001," "Dr. Strangelove," and "Full Metal Jacket") I only really liked "Full Metal Jacket." I have no desire to see any of his other films based on "Gosh - it's Stanley Kubrick's [FILL IN THE BLANK]! I have to see it because he's a fucking genius!" No, he isn't. He may have had a great eye, and a great sense of direction, but he also made a lot of thematic changes to both "The Shining" and "2001." I'm convinced that he had something to do with the missing footage of "2001" being truly missing and indeed actually destroyed. He made it nearly impossible for anyone to think about those books without the movies first, and that is a crime I will never EVER forgive. Yes, Peter Hyams' "2010" is guilty of the same crimes I levy against Mr. Kubrick, but with all due apologies to Mr. Hyams, nobody is putting him on the same lofty pedestal as Stanley "Film God" Kubrick. I remember seeing "2001" a bunch of times before I worked up the courage to read the book. It was one weird fucking movie. "2010" inspired me to read the book 2010: Odyssey Two immediately, and it gave me a deeper appreciation for Sir Arthur C. Clarke.

But I digress.

Peter Hyams' "2010" and the original book are noteworthy for a number of points, but as it is New Year's Day, I thought I'd reflect upon the ones that came to mind foremost: politics and optimism. The background of "2010" is set against a US-Soviet conflict that goes hot rather quickly. "Soviets," not "Russians," or "Chinese" (which would have been more appropriate given the book). This is amusing in our current world, one which is literally a generation since the books publication in 1983. Mr. Hyams deftly uses the book to weave his own story of optimism and doesn't seem to forget the central message behind Sir Arthur C. Clarke's Monolith story device. It was meant to spur the next step in evolution, to inspire us to grow and go farther than we thought possible. What better way to think about optimism than against the backdrop of World War III?

And David Bowman (who had since he uttered those fateful words had become closer to his antagonist, the HAL 9000 computer as well as what we could become) visited his former wife and his mother to let them know in what limited way they might be able to understand that "something wonderful" was going to happen. I cried during those scenes the first time I saw the movie, and I still cry when I see it. Such a wonderful message of optimism was released in a year when we were still entrenched in US-USSR agitprop bullshit. It would take us a generation to get out from under the shadow of Reagan-Bush and Bush-Cheney, and maybe now we finally have reason to have hope. Maybe now we can believe that it is full of stars.

Payback's A Bitch, Isn't It, Lars Ulrich?

Even though he's a famous douchebag, and because of his station in life as a "famous douchebag" it would be customary to put up a picture, I fucking hate Lars Ulrich, so no picture for Lars. Just on his name alone, you'd expect to see a guy who looks like he could kick Thor, Norse God of Thunder, square in the nutsack. The sad thing is that he looks like a cross between an angry dwarf and an oatmeal cookie.

According to this recent CNN.com article, Lars Ulrich has tinnitus a common auditory condition that can result in hearing a phantom high pitched tone. It's apparently very common, especially in sell-out, over-the-hill heavy metal rock band drummers.

The article states that for the 35 years he's been playing, he never used to use ear protection.

Boo. Fucking. Hoo.

And then the article goes on to say that he now uses earplugs while performing. I guess we should give li'l Lars a cookie and a gold star! Yay for Lars!

And apparently in the article, Lars Ulrich is concerned about "young people" with their new-fangled iPods. Where was Lars' concern when Metallica sold out big time to make a "Guitar Hero" video game? And this is the same benevolent Lars who whined like a greedy little bitch about kids illegally downloading Metallica songs via now-irrelevant file sharing service Napster and other similarly nefarious services?

Fuck you, Lars. Oh I forgot, you're hard of hearing now. FUCK YOU, LARS.

Oh Great. No US Release for "Hachi: A Dog's Tale"

I first heard about Hachiko, an Akita dog, via Japanprobe.com I generally dislike Japanprobe now, because I find them to be biased, irresponsible, and a big group of pompous douchebags. Kind of like Fox News.

Hachiko was owned by Hidesaburo Ueno, an agricultural professor at the University of Tokyo in the 1920s. Hachiko would see his buddy off at the front porch, and every day, Hachiko would be waiting at nearby Shibuya Station for the good professor. Hachiko knew which train his buddy would be on and when to wait for him.

Unfortunately one day in May, 1925, Professor Ueno died of a massive stroke in the middle of class. Nobody told Hachiko.

People that saw Hachiko and the good professor at Shibuya Station would bring Hachiko food while he waited.

FOR TEN YEARS.

Hachiko died waiting for Professor Ueno.

In 1987, Hachiko's story was made into a movie called "Hachiko Monogatari." If this sounds familiar to my fellow geeks, it should. Hachiko's story was the inspiration for the "Jurassic Bark" episode of Matt Groening's science ficiton cartoon series "Futurama."

On August 8th, 2009, "Hachiko: A Dog's Story" was released in Japan. It was directed by Lasse Hallstrom and starred Richard Gere, Joan Allen, and Jason Alexander.



In addition to directing virtually every ABBA music video, Mr. Hallstrom directed critically acclaimed films like "My Life As A Dog," "What's Eating Gilbert Grape," "The Cider House Rules," and "Chocolat."

You'd think that with that sort of cast and director, and that the story was Americanized and shot in Rhode Island, that a US theatrical release would be a no-brainer. Film geeks would go on to presume that because this is a tearjearker with great talent behind it, that it would be a Winter release and thus a sure bet for Golden Globe and Oscar nomination.

You'd be DEAD FUCKING WRONG.

Apparently some group of retarded assclowns calling themselves Consolidated Pictures Group had secured the rights to distribute this in the US. Unfortunately, they claimed they didn't have the time or money to properly publicize this movie, and they sold the distribution rights to Sony. The upshot of this is that while it has seen theatrical release in virtually every other fucking corner of the world, the closest the US is gonna get is waiting until January, schlepping out to a Wal-Mart, and picking up the DVD. Anybody who doesn't want to go to Wal-Mart will have to wait a bit longer than that.

No, I'm not kidding.

I was seriously looking forward to seeing this in the theater. I was looking forward to this more than seeing "Avatar," motherfuckers. So now I have to wait until after Wal-Mart's exclusivity retail deal on this ends before I can find it on Amazon.

Ummm... Ken, Is There Something You Need To Tell Us?

One of my new favorite sites is ToplessRobot. As a playa-hatin' geek, I love their sense of humor even if I don't agree with them all the time. Some of the shit they find is pretty damned funny and pretty damned scary.

Like this:


The abomination you're seeing there is "Palm Beach Sugar Daddy Ken" As in Barbie's boyfriendbeard, Ken.

No, this wasn't a "you've gotta be fuckin' kidding me" joke like you might suspect from this ToplessRobot article, but it is very real and apparently very collectible as evidenced by this Entertainment Earth product page.

I'm cool with whatever Mattel wants to do with Barbie & Ken, but i I ever hear about a "South Beach Rough Trade Action Ken" or a "Las Vegas Glory Hole Barbie," I'm gonna vomit a little in my mouth.

Note to Mssrs. Seagal, Chan, Jagger, Stallone, West et. al - FUCK OFF.

It doesn't take a Jedi Master to trick someone into buying shit they don't need. Sad to say, but celebrity endorsements or celebrity driven products do well enough and then hopefully plummet like the stars that wanted/needed their third rate shit to sell.

Here are a few examples:

Steven Seagal: This once proud and imposing action star has been reduced to a reality show that's been mired in legal issues even before it airs. He may be a bona fide martial arts master, but he is also a black belt in douchebag.

Dude - "Asian Experience?" Shouldn't that be "Long Island/Staten Island Guido Wannabe Experience?"

Jackie Chan: I used to like his movies, but then it became apparent to me that while Jackie Chan may not be a mean-spirited cunt (see above), he has taken so many shots to the head to actually believe that he's a great singer. He also needs to be beaten into a permanent state of retardation just for agreeing to star in "The Kung Fu Kid," a remake of "The Karate Kid." He went from international action star to international house bitch. He's also selling his own line of instant green tea If you go to that Amazon.com link, the funniest bit isn't Jackie Chan selling green tea - it's the "Customers Who Bought This Also Bought" section. Instant chicken soup, green tea, sweat bands, gummi bears, cheddar cheese soy crisps, beef jerky, and toilet paper. Man, if that's not a pothead's shopping list, I don't know what is.

Kanye West: I never liked this douchebag, but when he lost his shit on MTV recently (and if you need a link for that, please do us all a favor and die in a fire), I was forced to look back on this floating loaf. Where the fuck would he have been without Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster Stronger?" I thought Sean Combs was the worst talentless bitch who kept biting off of other artists, but I was wrong. Oh yeah, Kanye West has his own travel agency.

The Rolling Stones: These rock & roll legends need to go back to roots, and by that I mean composting themselves. When is the last time you remember a NEW Rolling Stones track hit the airwaves instead of being used to hawk Kahlua, greeting cards, and other sundry bullshit?

Don't worry, I'll wait for your answer.

But apparently The Rolling Stones weren't rich enough, so they decided to hawk their own fucking wine. They're not as greedy as The Beatles, and I for one would love to have Mark David Chapman given early release to whack Paul and Ringo. Fuck those greedy cunts.

Sylvester Stallone: The cast list for his new movie "The Expendables" reads like a who's who of action star legends - real and film: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Jet Li, "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, Dolph Lundgren, Mickey Rourke, Randy "The Natural" Couture, Antonio Rodrigo "Minotauro" Nogueria, and shitloads of cameos. The plot isn't really going to matter. There will be better plots in Arlington, but Stallone is milking his once good name for more flicks and more HGH. The ironic thing is that he has his own line of sports nutrition supplements, "InStone." Yeah, I'm gonna buy supplements from a guy who freely admits to using Human Growth Hormone. He even had 'high protein pudding" in different flavors presumably selected to appeal to people who eat pudding. I don't know about you, but I don't want to have anything to do with Sylvester Stallone's high protein banana cream pudding.